DR. ANTHONY FAUCI

WHEREAS the accused did, with malice aforethought and a suspiciously confident smile, repeatedly change the official guidance on masks, social distancing, and basically everything else — sometimes within the same press conference —

WHEREAS the accused did preside over the funding of gain-of-function research at the Wuhan Institute of Virology, then proceeded to deny said funding with the energy of a man who absolutely did not do that thing —

WHEREAS the accused did appear on the cover of every magazine known to man while millions of small business owners were told to stay home and contemplate their life choices —

THIS TRIBUNAL HEREBY DECLARES: Dr. Anthony Fauci is, as of this date, OFFICIALLY IN DEEP SHIT.